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Articles - Anger
OAK LEAVES FAMILY SERVICE COLUMN - MARCH, 1999
Lately I've had a tendency to blow up over
the smallest matters. My boss mentioned it in my latest performance review
and I overheard my kids talking about "mom's witch moods." I hate being
so angry; I feel very guilty after I lose my temper. Any ideas on how I
can control my anger?
Whether you're a four-year-old forced to go to bed against your will or
a forty-year-old cut off by a speeding motorist, anger is a natural reaction
to the many negative events of daily life. While anger is a normal, and
usually healthy, human emotion, when it gets out of control and turns destructive
it can cause problems in our interpersonal relationships and effect our
emotional and physical well-being. On the other hand, suppressing all your
angry feelings can also set you up for some serious health problems.
If you would like to learn more about
managing anger, check out these books:
- Anger: How to Live With and Without It, A. Ellis;
- The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns
of Intimate Relationships, H. Lerner;
- Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion, C. Tavris;
- Domestic Conflict Containment Program Workbook, Peter H. Neidig
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We instinctively want to express anger in an aggressive manner. Anger is
a natural, adaptive response to threats which triggers a desire to fight
and defend ourselves. While a certain amount of anger is necessary for our
survival, social norms and common sense tell us that we must limit our expressions
of anger. After all, bad-mouthing a co-worker for failing to include you
in a meeting, or screaming at your child for spilling juice on the carpet
won't build office camaraderie or help teach your child how to be more careful.
Learning How to Express Anger
People learn how to express their anger. As children we may learn that anger
can be way to get attention or get our own way. Or we may learn that anger
is a bad emotion that we must suppress. Unexpressed anger can cause its
own problems. You may turn the unexpressed anger inward, on yourself, which
can cause high blood pressure, depression, low self esteem, or you may end
up expressing it in destructive ways, constantly putting down others, being
highly critical, hostile or cynical.
"We like to call healthy anger ‘reflective anger'," says Rebecca Levin-Fallert,
a licensed clinical social worker on staff at Family Service & Mental Health
Center of Oak Park & River Forest. "You feel the emotion, you take a moment
to consider the source of your anger, and then you make a decision on how
you wish to express it."
A Four-Step Approach
Expressing your angry emotions in an assertive, rather than aggressive,
manner is the healthiest way to manage anger. Levin-Fallert suggests a four-step
approach to expressing anger in a positive manner: admit it, explore it,
express it, and drop it.
First, admit to your angry feelings when they arise. Don't shove them down
or pretend you're not bothered by the event or situation. Next, take a moment
to explore why you're feeling angry. Are you angry over your teen's messy
room or are you really concerned over your growing lack of communication?
The next step is to express your anger. If you feel you're about to blow
up, find a way to calm yourself down first. Walk out of the room, take some
deep breaths, slowly repeat a calming word or phrase such as "take it easy"
until you find yourself able to discuss your feelings without exploding.
Avoid using words like "never" or "always" and use the "I" word when describing
your point of view. Instead of saying "you make me so angry" say "I feel
so angry when ...". This way you are taking responsibility for your emotions
and allowing space for dialogue and a possible solution to the problem or
situation that is causing you anger.
Once you've let the object of your anger know how you feel, drop it. Rehashing
your anger does no good. Know that you've expressed your anger in a healthy
way.
If you feel your anger is out of control and is having an impact on your
life and relationships, you may wish to consider counseling to learn how
to handle it better. A licensed mental health professional is trained in
ways to help people examine and manage their angry feelings in a constructive
way. In some instances, out of control anger may be symptomatic of a more
serious medical and/or psychiatric impairment. In these instances, a referral
to a physician for further evaluation is recommended.
If we understand our anger and manage our expression of it, we can turn
this powerful emotion into a productive rather than a destructive force.
It can help you better understand what you want and who you are. The key
is to open our eyes, be aware of our feelings, and express them in a healthy,
productive manner.
Located at 120 S. Marion, Oak Park, Family Service & Mental Health Center
of Oak Park & River Forest is a not-for-profit social service and mental
health agency that provides counseling, psychiatric and prevention/education
programs to men, women, youth and families. To learn more about our programs
or to make an appointment, contact us at (708) 383-7500.
  
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