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Articles - Building Relationships
HOW TO BUILD A BETTER
RELATIONSHIP - FEBRUARY, 1999
Our marriage has been going through a difficult
time lately. I miss the closeness that my husband and I once had. I ve suggested
counseling but I think that he needs convincing, any suggestions?
Like any physical structure that needs to withstand the test of time, marriages
and other long-term relationships require a sound infrastructure and regular
maintenance. There are no blueprints available for us to follow, but with
some research and the advice of a good structural engineer or marriage counselor,
we can learn more about ourselves and our partners and begin to build a
more solid relationship.
Additional resources:
- www.marriagebuilders.com
- The Path To Love, Deepak Chopra, M.D.
- Keeping the Love You Want, Hendrix, H.
- The Intimacy Struggle, Woititz, Janet
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Marriage counseling has historically been reserved for the most troubled
of relationships. Today, counseling is being sought much earlier by couples.
The assumption that a relationship requiring the assistance of a counselor
is on the verge of divorce has changed. It s never too early to develop
and strengthen your relationship skills. says Rebecca Levin-Fallert, LCSW
Clinical Social Worker at Family Service. Just like preventative medicine,
building good relationship skills before problems present themselves or
before they have a chance to fester makes the relationship stronger and
more resilient. It is also less difficult to discuss your wants and needs
with your partner in good times when you feel less vulnerable than in the
middle of a crisis when you are more likely to withdraw from one another.
According to David L. Luecke, a relationships specialist, many people who
are highly successful in business or professional careers become confused
and ineffective when it comes to close personal relationships. Why? Technical
and logical problems are objective, impersonal, safe. Relationship issues,
he states, are emotional and can be personally threatening.
Marriage counseling brings up similarly threatening issues; Will we discover
that our relationship has no hope of surviving? Everything will probably
end up being my fault. I feel very uncomfortable airing out my dirty laundry
with a complete stranger. How long will this process take? How much is this
going to cost me? It is therefore understandable that many couples avoid
seeking professional help except as a last effort to save what seems like
a failing marriage.
What to Expect from Marriage Counseling
What makes a relationship unique is how each partner prioritizes his or
her emotional needs. A marriage counselor can help a couple to determine
each partner s most important emotional needs and then teach them how to
meet those needs for each other. What often happens is that an emotional
need which was once met without effort is no longer met because of a change
in the relationship environment. A new job, children or other changes can
be all it takes.
What s more, counselors have found that the five most important needs of
women are usually the least important for men and vice-versa which explains
why it is especially difficult for men and women to meet each other's needs.
If we base our actions on what we would like, we often miss the boat even
though we are trying very hard to please our partner.
Following is a top ten list of most important emotional needs:
- admiration,
- affection,
- conversation,
- domestic support,
- family commitment,
- financial support,
- honesty and openness,
- physical attractiveness,
- recreational companionship and
- sexual fulfillment.
Once you ve determined your partner s priorities, a marriage counselor can
help you develop some rules to live by. These rules will help you to protect
and maintain your relationship over time.
For the Do-it-yourselfers If a marriage counselor is not an option
for you or your partner, self-help books, magazine surveys and other resources
are readily available. What s most important is that you are both ready
and willing to examine yourselves and your relationship and that you are
both committed to strengthening your relationship.
Here are a few simple steps to help you assess your relationship:
Start by prioritizing the top ten list of most important emotional needs
listed earlier in this article.
Then, try to prioritize them according to how your partner feels.
Note the similarities and differences.
Make a special effort to remember the differences.
Dan Kill, Executive Director of Family Service and Mental Health Center
of Oak Park and River Forest notes that healthy relationships are not without
their problems and struggles, but those problems are not compounded by unsupportive
or counterproductive behaviors. Healthy relationships cannot be built around
expectations of unconditional acceptance and inflexibility. A healthy relationship
is a joint effort and good communication skills, mutual respect and a strong
commitment to the relationship are essential.
Located at 120 S. Marion, Oak Park, Family Service & Mental Health Center
of Oak Park & River Forest is a not-for-profit social service and mental
health agency that provides counseling, psychiatric and prevention/education
programs to men, women, youth and families. To learn more about our programs
or to make an appointment, contact us at (708) 383-7500.
  
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