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Articles - Domestic Violence
OAK LEAVES FAMILY SERVICE
COLUMN - JANUARY, 1999
My friend's husband frequently loses his temper,
flying into such a rage that he sometimes breaks whatever he has his hands
on. When he's angry, she bears the brunt of his nasty tirade. She says he
has never hit her, but I'm afraid that he will. Should I tell her to get
help?
You're right to be concerned. Outright physical battering often begins with
verbal abuse, breaking or throwing things, or threats of violence. According
to experts, abusers who behave this way almost always eventually resort
to battering.
Where to get help for domestic abuse:
- Sarah's Inn: (708) 386-4225 [hotline], (708) 386-3305 [program
information]
- Family Service: (708) 383-7500 [Mon-Thu 9-9, Fri 9-5], (708)
681-HELP [off-hours hotline]
- National Domestic Violence/Abuse Hotline: (800)-799-SAFE
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Violence in the home is far from rare. The FBI recently reported that, in
the United States, domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women
between the ages of 15 and 44. Women in heterosexual relationships are not
the only victims, however. Women batter men, both sexes abuse children,
gay men and women attack their partners, and children assault their parents.
Nor is domestic violence a respecter of any particular race, culture, occupation,
or income level. A Massachusetts counseling center reports that about a
third of the men they counsel for battering are doctors, lawyers, ministers,
and business executives: people who are well-respected in their jobs and
communities.
Battering is about control and domination, according to Donna Wodke, MA,
LCPC, coordinator of crisis services at Family Service and Mental Health
Center of Oak Park and River Forest. To maintain control, physical abusers
often try to keep their victims isolated. If your friend experiences these
problems, suspect abuse:
- She is not allowed to telephone or visit friends unless her partner
is along.
- Her partner has exclusive control over all financial and household
decisions.
- Her partner won't let her go to school, get a job, learn to drive,
or otherwise enjoy the usual adult freedoms. Her partner treats her
like a child.
- She has low self-esteem and speaks poorly of herself. (Her partner
probably also downgrades her verbally.)
Although ours is a stress-ridden society, and abuse certainly isn't the
only cause, battering victims usually do have stress-related symptoms, such
as constant or recurring nonspecific aches and pains. Typically, victims
believe strongly in family unity, so they feel guilty when ugly episodes
arise. They often blame themselves for the batterer's actions and deny being
angry at, or afraid of, the batterer. When questioned, victims often defend
their abusers: "I had it coming," or "I deserved it for making him angry,"
are common comments.
Abusive relationships trigger further cycles of violence. About half those
who abuse their partners also abuse their children, and adults who witnessed
their parents' domestic violence are three times more likely to batter their
own partners than children of nonabusers. Violence in the home plays a role
in juvenile delinquency too. The single biggest difference between delinquent
and nondelinquent youth is a history of family violence. Children who don't
get into trouble still may have emotional and behavioral problems, such
as nightmares, withdrawal, low self-esteem, or self-blame.
Since the consequences of domestic violence are so severe and far-reaching,
why don't the victims just leave? Why do they subject themselves and their
children to physical and emotional danger? There are a myriad of reasons
that leaving is not the simple solution it may seem. Fear of retaliation,
desire to keep the problem secret, lack of money to go it alone, promises
that the partner will change, and a general feeling of aloneness and helplessness
may be seemingly insurmountable barriers. Victim and abuser are jointly
caught in a complex web of emotional, psychological, familial, and societal
issues that they need help to sort out to stop the spiral of violence. Friends
and family can offer support and encouragement for the victim to take the
first steps.
In many cases, the victim needs immediate help. Locally, both Family Service
and Mental Health of Oak Park and River Forest and Sarah's Inn offer 24-hour
crisis intervention. For women and children in crisis, Sarah's Inn also
provides transportation to emergency shelter. If shelters are full, victims
will be put up in area motels/hotels until space becomes available.
The National Domestic Violence/Abuse Hotline offers 24-hour-a-day counseling,
direct connection to help in the local community, and assistance in reporting
abuse. Calls are confidential, and the caller can remain anonymous, so you
can use this number if you suspect a family member or friend is being abused.
Once the immediate crisis has past, all involved parties can get long-term
help in changing their behaviors through Sarah's Inn. According to associate
director, Lynn Osborn, the agency provides women and children's counseling
services, including a program especially for Latina women and children;
transitional housing for up to 18 months; court advocates to help victims
understand their rights and navigate the court process to obtain an order
of protection; and an abuser services program to help batterers learn new
skills and change abusive patterns.
Domestic violence touches nearly everyone in the community in some way.
If you suspect that someone you know is being abused, encourage him or her
to get professional help immediately before the problem gets worse. Report
abuse anonymously if you must, but don't turn away. You can make a difference.
Located at 120 S. Marion, Oak Park, Family Service & Mental Health Center
of Oak Park & River Forest is a not-for-profit social service and mental
health agency that provides counseling, psychiatric and prevention/education
programs to men, women, youth and families. To learn more about our programs
or to make an appointment, contact us at (708) 383-7500.
  
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