Articles - Grief and Loss

OAK LEAVES FAMILY SERVICE COLUMN - JULY, 1998

My father died seven months ago and my mom is still having a very hard time accepting the fact that he's gone. She shows no interest in her family and friends and just wants to stay home alone by herself. Is this normal? I'm at a loss of how to help.

Life by its very nature is full of painful losses. Losses shape our lives -- the loss of a job, death of a family member or friend, a loss of a friendship, divorce, children growing up and moving away. The most common reponse to loss is grief, a complex and evolving emotion that can be as frightening as the actual loss itself. Ignoring or denying grief can be very harmful both emotionally and physically. Grief increases blood pressure and heart rate and can make people more susceptible to illness. Flashbacks, fatigue and insomnia have also been linked to grief.

To learn more about grief and loss, check out these resources: Colgrove, M. (1991). How to Survive the Loss of a Love, Los Angeles: Prelude Press Kushner, H. (1981). When Bad Things Happen to Good People. New York: Schocken Books Rando, T. (1991). How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies. New York: Bantam

It's important to realize that no two people react the same to loss in their lives. Grief often causes a wide range of confusing and unpredictable emotions. The death of a child may cause one parent to fall into despair while the other may feel numb. How one responds to loss often is the result of our personalities, the type of loss and the emotional support we receive. While the length and pattern of the grieving process can vary from person to person, research into human behavior has shown that people frequently move through certain defined stages.

"Shock and denial are often present in the early stages of a loss," says Beverly Allen, M.A., a licensed clinical professional counselor at Family Service & Mental Health Center of Oak Park & River Forest. "Denial is a protective mechanism that allows us to ease into full awareness of the loss." When denial becomes entrenched, however, problems can occur.

A common next phase is anger, an emotion that is often difficult to express. A person may become angry with themselves or others for not having prevented the loss. It's not unusual to blame ourselves for something we did or did not do to prevent the loss, which can cause feelings of guilt. The most important thing to do when one is feeling guilty is to forgive yourself.

Depression is probably the most common response to loss and often the most difficult and long-lasting phase of grieving. Depression frequently causes feelings of tiredness, isolation and loneliness. Depressed individuals may have trouble concentrating, experience changes in their eating and sleeping habits, and often feel life is pointless. Anxiety sometimes accompanies this stage of grieving. The grieving individual may have episodes of panic and fear losing another loved one.

Most people will eventually reach a stage where they can accept their loss. Painful memories no longer overwhelm, and life again seems to provide moments of joy and serenity. Some people, however, seem to be rooted in one stage or another of the grieving process. They seem unable to cope with their grief and their withdrawal from normal life becomes more marked rather than lessening over time.

"There's a number of strategies that can be helpful in moving through the grieving process," says Allen. If you have experienced a loss, Allen suggests reaching out to others for the support you need. "Sometimes family and friends may be afraid to broach the subject with you for fear of bringing you renewed pain, so take the opportunity to tell people how you're feeling."

While many of us want to remove ourselves from the world when we are grieving, it's important to balance the need for solitude with time with others. "Seek out people who are supportive and nurturing," says Allen. "When you're hurting, it's wise to surround yourself with people who are not only empathic but who also can help you move forward in your grieving process."

It's also important to prepare for holidays and anniversaries, an often difficult time for people who have suffered loss. Plan a special outing or spend time with family or friends who can help you during these painful times. In fact, regularly creating special pleasures for yourself -- going to the movies, treating yourself to a dinner at a great restaurant, or purchasing a new outfit -- can help provide much needed respite.

Family and friends can go a long way to helping and supporting their grieving loved ones. Sometimes a support group, such as Compassionate Friends or Divorce Anonymous, can provide an added dimension of support. However, when a grieving person suffers from anxiety, depression or thoughts of suicide, a trained professional may be needed. Once a diagnostic evaluation is made, a licensed mental health professional may recommend individual, group and/or family counseling which can help the individual understand their feelings, develop new goals and adjust to their loss.

Family Service & Mental Health Center of Oak Park and River Forest
120 South Marion Street, Oak Park, Illinois 60302
Tel: (708) 383-7500 Fax: (708) 383-7780