Articles - Teen Dating and Violence

OAK LEAVES FAMILY SERVICE COLUMN - JULY, 1999

My boyfriend flies into a rage if I even say a few words to another guy. We're 16, and I know he loves me, but I get tired of defending myself all the time. The other day he even punched me when he got mad. Is it okay for him to behave this way, or should I be worried?

You should be concerned. Your boyfriend's jealousy may be a warning sign that something is wrong with your relationship. Teenage dating violence is a real problem, and you shouldn't take any hostile physical act lightly. More than one in ten teens experiences physical violence in dating relationships. The National Clearinghouse for the Defense of Battered Women reports that, among college students, the figure rises to 22%, equivalent to the rate for adults.

Intimate violence among teenagers is a grave social issue that has remained largely unrecognized by the domestic violence movement and by lawmakers. At present, most domestic violence statutes exclude minors. Many experts believe that the same legal protections now available to adult victims should be on the books for teenagers too.

What are the signs of an abusive relationship? Marylyn Gibson, LCSW, a Family Service social worker who works with Oak Park and River Forest High School students, says, ATeenage dating relationships mirror those of adults when there is abuse, whether it is physical, emotional, sexual, verbal or psychological. Forced sex, yelling, hitting, pushing, mind games or making a partner feel as if he or she is crazy are all giveaways that a serious problem may be brewing. If your boyfriend uses jealousy as a sign of love, watch out! Excessive jealousy is the most common early-warning sign of abuse."

Control is often a compelling issue. A teen who tells his or her partner what to do and whom to see or even talk to is much too controlling. Another tactic is to try to isolate the partner by inducing him or her to drop out of extracurricular activities. Beware of the boyfriend or girlfriend who wants you to give up other activities to "spend more time with me."

According to Gibson, an abusive teen may use threats, anger and intimidation to control the other person. She adds, ”All relationships are learning opportunities, especially for teens who may be just beginning to date. They can either learn healthy ways to interact or they risk ending up in abusive relationships before they realize that something is wrong.”

A healthy relationship does not involve violence or any form of abuse. Honesty, accountability, trust, support, respect, nonthreatening behavior, negotiation and partnership are signs of a relationship in which a partner can grow into the person he or she would like to become. Relationships involve making choices just as love does. Why would you — or anyone else — choose to be in an abusive relationship? How could your parents let you date an abuser? We suspect your parents may be unaware of the situation. According to Gibson, many teens in abusive relationships often don't tell their parents or even their friends. They may be afraid of the abuser or worried that they will be judged and blamed. Teens who find themselves in abusive relationships may feel they have no choice: if they try to leave the relationship, it may cause further abuse. This is more than a teenager should have to handle alone. If you haven't already told your parents about your boyfriend's abuse, do so at once. They need to know, and you'll feel better with their support.

Children and adolescents learn by example. If they have grown up in an environment where violence and abuse are tolerated, they will come to see these behaviors as normal and acceptable. Why would their relationships be any different from what they have experienced at home? In fact, most abusers have been abused themselves as children. Violence is a learned response to stress, and violence is what abusers have learned. However, because it is a learned response, abusers can learn positive alternative responses. The outcome is more likely to be favorable with intensive treatment from a mental health professional. If your boyfriend has abuse in his background, urge him to get help.

Some of your friends or acquaintances may also be in abusive relationships that they are afraid to admit. Look for signs such as marks, bruises or a change in lifestyle. Teens who appear depressed, spend all their free time with their partners, give up other friends and activities they once enjoyed, isolate themselves from others or defend their partners after they've been hurt may be trapped in unhealthy relationships they don't know how to shed.

What can adults do? Gibson says that they must first understand the connection between violence in the media, child abuse, teasing, sexual harassment, racism, poverty, domestic violence and teenage dating violence. Many experts believe that pervasive violence in the media has made such behavior seem normal and that, over time, children exposed to violence come to think that it is acceptable. They need to know that it is not.

If you know adults who want to help, urge them to get involved. They should talk to their children, teenagers, students and friends about violence. Adults need to take a more active role in the lives of children and adolescents. They can volunteer to mentor a teenager. Adults should ask about relationships so they can understand them, but they should not fix blame or pass judgment. To learn how to be an effective mentor, a caring adult might want to talk with a qualified therapist who is knowledgeable about this issue.

Children and teens are resilient. You will be able to bounce back after facing this difficult problem, but you will probably need help. Your parents can help by stressing your positive qualities and strengths that will lead to healthy development. It takes at least one caring adult involved in a child's life to counteract the destructive factors contributing to violence. If you don't have an adult in your family that you can turn to, confide in a teacher or counselor. There is nothing shameful about your situation. Violence does not discriminate: it cuts across all socioeconomic levels, races, religions, sexual preferences and age groups.

There are also local and national sources of outside help. Locally, the Family Service & Mental Health Center of Oak Park & River Forest (708-383-7500) offers programs and counseling, as does Sarah's Inn, which is a comprehensive domestic violence agency (708-386-4225). Or you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). In addition, there are many internet sources of help and information. Try searching on the heading "Teenage Dating Violence."

Family Service & Mental Health Center of Oak Park and River Forest
120 South Marion Street, Oak Park, Illinois 60302
Tel: (708) 383-7500 Fax: (708) 383-7780